Month: December 2014

My Blog…My Vent…My Escape…No Holds Barred

Posted on by blessedncrazy

My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place today. I had five days off of work, full of family, Christmas, loudness, fun, crazy and then topped off the final three, four counting today with a sick baby and lack of sleep. So yea Im a wee bit crazy today.

First off I gotta say that I am totally offended in some people…none of you Im sure since I dont KNOW you lol. But I have a sister who blogs…life stories, her memories, her perspective…never intending to hurt anyone, always gonna cause at the very least a smile and at the most a deep belly laugh. She hasnt said anything, but I know she has lost that freedom to blog…simply because someone read her blog, passed it on and made a huge nightmare deal out of her very first blog. Caused division in the family and just utter chaos. I can def see where that would inhibit anyone. But damn that just aint right. Everyone is entitled to their thoughts, their feelings and their memories and also entitled to express them how they see fit. Its not like she names names or puts up pictures or even gives enough of a description that anyone on this world wide web is gonna know who the hell she is talking about. Its completely ridiculous and I find it offensive that people think they can control someone that much.

Second off, Im feeling ugly…maybe its a mixture of things, probably is..but Im feeling really ugly inside. My son, my baby, my last born has to go turn himself in next week and do six months. I HATE this with a passion. I do everything I can to keep it pushed to the back of my mind, otherwise I walk around with tears in my eyes and anxiety filling my heart. Our Christmas dinner turned into a crazy gathering that I do not want to happen again lol so I had sent a message wanting to know what everyones normal plans are for Christmas Eve, thinking we could jump start, plan and start a new tradition of everyone being together for Christmas Eve. I got told we needed to maybe plan a family dinner for my son before he leaves and get past this stuff before worrying about next year. Maybe worrying about next year RIGHT NOW is what I WANT to do to keep certain things out of the front of my mind. So now here it is in the forefront…so planning commences. I offer Saturday night…that way I dont work the next day and if I wanna drink some I can and have the next day to be a bum. But no thats not good enough either…so Sunday it is. Another sister asked what she could bring, a bottle? No I dont want a bottle of anything I have to work the next day and the mood Ive been in one bottle just might not be enough. I dont want to think about this. I dont want to be living this. I know this is minor in comparison to oh say death or being sent off in the military. I know that…but it doesnt make it feel less in my heart. This is my baby. My child. Pieces of my heart are literally shattered.

I know we shall get thru this. I know this too shall pass. I know it could be worse. I know all of these things. I dont need platitudes. I dont need anything…except prayer. Prayer that he is safe. Prayer that this goes fast. Prayer that his marriage stays strong. Oh and I need this to not be happening.

No matter how old you get or how old your kids get once you become a parent you are a parent until you die. My children with their little ones, those feelings of protectiveness, wanting to snuggle them close and hold them and keep them from any harm or pain…those feelings NEVER leave. EVER. It may be worse when they are grown than when little because when they are little you can protect, or do your damndest trying, you can snuggle them and love the boo boos away. When they are grown you can do nothing but watch, cry and pray. Do you have any idea how out of control and totally chaotic that feels? I feel like my world is spinning 90 mph and I cant stop it. I cant do anything but watch. I dont like not being able to fix things. Im a natural born fixer, I want to fix what hurts everyone. Some people adopt stray animals, I use to adopt stray people. I want to make things right and good. I dont like not being able to hug it away.

Please say some prayers for me…for my son…for my family…this is going to pass I know it is and for whatever purpose it is to serve I know all things work together for the good of those who love God…I know good will come and things will be great again. No Ill never again be in control or ever again be the fixer for my grown children but it will be good again.

Remember us please with good thoughts, prayers, whatever you wish that is good send it our way.

My perspective…my reality

Posted on by blessedncrazy

I have a BEAUTIFUL granddaughter who is almost 6 years old! For five, count them FIVE years, she has been a part of my life. Saturday night play nights with my grandson and her. Her mom and dad (dad is my son) have never been married. And sometimes its been a battle seeing my granddaughter because of the fighting. Her mom is quite a manipulative, two-faced liar. The whole five years, whether my son saw his daughter or not, I did…we still had a relationship. Even after mommy got boyfriend number whatever…they would bring me my granddaughter, sometimes boyfriend would bring or pick up himself.

Then one day mom decided she would sue my son for termination of rights…so she yanked her away and decided none of us could see her any more. Maybe one day after things died down and a new normal was achieved for her we could see her again. So several months went by with no contact.

Then low and behold we got papers in the mail…the judge denied the termination!!!! Yippeeeee ky yay mother effer!! My son, his wife, my daughter and I went to pick her up. Had the police meet us. She would not open the door. She finally opened the door for the police. But come to find out these days the police can only make a report, they cant make a parent turn over a child for visitation. Just file a report and you can go hire a lawyer and take the parent who is in contempt of court in front of the judge. ARGH!!! But then the next morning my son calls and he has his daughter!!! Im so excited to see her…we all are…my grandson was ecstatic! It was amazing and awesome and there were lots of smiles and tears.

Then the next time my son went to pick her up she cried and didn’t want to go…told him she didn’t want him to be her daddy. So he didn’t force her. Then the next time he tried and the same thing. Not too long after this mommy was engaged and they moved to another town. I could occasionally see pictures of my granddaughter on facebook, but then all of a sudden I was blocked and could no longer do that…so a mutual friend would update me and send me pictures…then she got found out about and was blocked. So no pictures…no updates…nothing.

Last year I left my granddaughters Christmas presents on her other grandmas porch…I cant do that this year because she moved out of town. I found out that mommy and her fiancé broke up…mommy and my granddaughter are back living here! I leave things alone, not trying to start a bunch of trouble for anyone. Now its Christmas time…found out where she worked and called her. I said this is me, can I please have an address to send granddaughter a gift card for Christmas? SLAMMMMMMMMM went the phone, right in my earhole…woah bitch you just hung up on me!! I didn’t even do or say anything ugly!! I want to call back and call her all the names that I spouted off after being hung up on. But I wont…I refuse to sink to her level and act like her.

One day, and that day will be here sooner than she thinks, my granddaughter is gonna come looking for her family…five years of memories are not simply washed away because mom don’t want them there any more. She WILL come looking. I wont be ugly, I wont trash talk her mom, but anything she asks I WILL  be honest. I have tried to see you…I have cried and begged and pleaded to see you…I have gotten mad and cussed…I have stepped back and waited and tried again…all to no avail. We did not CHOOSE to be pushed out of her life and it pisses me off to no end when women act like they are GOD and get to control everything about the child that took TWO to make…just because daddy don’t want mommy don’t mean daddy don’t love his daughter…I shutter to think of the things she has told my granddaughter…

Why the hell don’t people grow up? This is not about the mom, not about the dad and hell its not even about me…its about my granddaughter knowing her family, seeing her family, being loved and loving in return…why is that so wrong? Why is that so horrible? What is wrong with people?? I will never understand this.  I have a granddaughter right now who has been adopted and is in an amazing home with awesome parents, who did an open adoption because they want their daughter to know her family, her blood line. They have sent me more updates and pictures in the last week then Ive had in five years from this sweet girls momma. Time IS gonna pass, she IS gonna grow up, she IS gonna come looking…she WILL know the truth that we did NOT abandon her that YOU TOOK HER AWAY!!!!

Language Warning…youve been warned

Posted on by blessedncrazy

What the HELL is wrong with people? Where THE hell did I go wrong?

When I ask for help its not because Im lazy or dont want to do something…its honestly because I need help and partially because maybe its something we can do together, spending a wee bit of time together.

Let me just tell you that I must of royally fucked up in the parenting department. Sometimes the selfishness and inconsideration of my kids just blows my mind. If I have done these things to my mom then I am sorry…I probably did and thats why its happening to me now. Woah the things you figure out when youre an adult…just a little too fucking late huh?

So last night I had three of my grandsons…and I loved it! Yep I was tired, yep my shoulder hurt, but I dont dare ever cancel because then I would be the bad guy…so I suck it up and do what I gotta do. I did enjoy it tho. Didnt get a lot of sleep, but thats nothing new, hopefully that will change after Christmas with some sleeping arrangement changes. This morning I got up still groggy and sleepy eyed and accidentally gave number two grandson the wrong medicine and freaked the hell out. Called pediatrician, called nurse, called poison control. Its all good…no worries, no ill effects. Whew! But I did ask my daughter to please be home around noon to help me out after hubby went to work. Got a text later letting me know her son would be going with dads girlfriend. I guess that was my help because as of now at 8 pm she still isnt home. The ONLY reason this is frustrating to me is because last night I specifically asked for help today…presents to wrap, shit ton of white trash to make…baby to bathe, shower to take…laundry piled to the ceiling (lol not quite but almost) and tomorrow is a work day. Its almost Christmas…not one present wrapped under the tree. Partially because I didnt want to have to constantly tell number 2 no touch! But hey I wanted to get some wrapping done today. So far that hasnt happened. I do have the first batch of white trash made tho so yay for that! I texted my daughter and asked what she was doing. Shes at boyfriends, got too drunk last night, dying all day, grandson number one is staying with daddy. I replied simply Thanks. I got back “Dont be mean”  I didnt respond…dont be mean? Im not being mean…I thought we had a deal and you were gonna help me…Im mean when I get shafted but Im the greatest mom ever when I help you…and thats not just my daughter thats all of them. Each one will be quick to point out the others faults and say well Im not that bad or I dont do this or that like so and so does. Well ya know what my dear, sweet loves? You each have your own short comings, you each have had a turn at hurting me or letting me down. Sure in different ways, but hurt is hurt no matter how it occurs. So I think youre all pretty much equal.

I have a total of 11 grandchildren…two in heaven….five with their own families away from me and mine and four I get to see, touch and hold. I have been known to be hurt over not being able to see the other five…and it does hurt…but after today I looked at hubby and said God sure knew what he was doing…I mean is there enough xanax to have 11 children under one roof at one time? lol I joke, but in all seriousness…is there?

I tell ya my mood SUCKS right now and I really should just go to bed and hide…but I cant…I cant go get drunk and lay up and have no worries….because I have responsibilities that I HAVE to take care of…I dont have back up. I dont have built in babysitters. Those of you that have those things well it must be nice…it must be awesome to have sex with your spouse on a regular basis or a date night or even just going to the grocery store as a couple. Was this our choosing and doing? Yes yes it was…the alternative was a sweet, sweet, baby boy being raised in utter trash. So dates, sex, and sometimes sanity go on the back burner but to me and my hubby (who is amazing by the way) this lil guy is oh so worth it. And it will be okay and I will gripe and vent and bathe baby and shower and make white trash and wrap presents and go to bed and get up tomorrow and start all over again because thats just the way it is…learning daily not to count on help and not to get my feelings hurt when Im told Im mean, hurtful and favor one child over the other…Im learning…albeit a slow learner but Im learning.

In my own world

Posted on by blessedncrazy

and its been a bit overwhelming. My shoulder feels better, but my neck still hurts…gonna end up having to see the chiropractor, just tryin to get thru Christmas first.

My baby boy is goin away for six months. I know its the lesser of two evils….I know he did the crime and has to do the time…I know all that…I get it. BUT I do NOT like it, not one tiny bit. I cant even think about it without crying. Thoughts come to my head that in just a few short weeks he will be gone and I have to push them way back away or Ill have a breakdown. CANT stand this!!!!

In the span of a week I found out I might be a Nana again…I say might because the girl was a loosey goosey and there are a couple of guys to choose from. Saw some pics of this baby girl and shes blonde haired and blue eyed and cute as a lil bug…but its hard to tell early on by looks alone. Then some papers appeared in the mail. Mom gave her up for adoption. I know this is a blessing in disguise…I know it is…but it hurts my feelings a little bit that I may have a baby out there that will grow up not really knowing us. But at the same time Im so relieved that she is in a good home with people that love her and will provide a good life for her. Her mothers life is less than optimal and daddy hasnt figured out how to take care of himself much less another baby, I told my sister that I was praying this baby wasnt ours…please God…I cant have a grandbaby out there living in yucky situations and me wondering and worrying constantly. And I cant take care of another one…Lord you know my hands are full, my plate is full….so I do believe God heard my prayers and not just my prayers but this amazing momma who has prayed and prayed for a baby to call her own. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with this new momma this evening and I feel so much peace and even some joy along with her joy…she is so excited about being a mommy! I will get to see pictures and since its an open adoption contact can be kept and visiting is an option.

This last little bit of time has been really hard. Im use to being the mom, in control, fixing things…and now things are spinning totally out of my control, beyond my fixing and I dont like it…it makes me feel helpless and kinda useless…Being the parent of small children is so much easier than being the parent of grown children lol.

Thru the storms, the rain, the hail, the fall on your face and cry and beg that you cant take no more, God is good and He sees us thru…without Him I dont know where Id be or what Id be doing…thank you Jesus that you first loved me and still love me despite my shortcomings and daily failures. I know His plans for us are not always what we choose…we have that freedom to choose…but we are never free from those consequences that come from those choices. I just pray that God will watch over my babies, my grandbabies, those that I love and hold dear…that He will heal bodies, save souls, lift up spirites and wrap arms of love around those that hurt.

Pray for my family please….

Good Grief

Posted on by blessedncrazy

This week Ive had two funerals. One friend, just 35 years old, passed away after a 13 month battle with brain cancer. Another young man, family friend, committed suicide…dear Lord Jesus bless these families. A friend of my sisters husband was sick with what they thought was a virus, went to the ER. Worked in the oilfield one day and a few days later is on hospice not expected to live long due to liver cancer. How does that happen?? Now today I have court with two of my kids and am supposed to be taking one of them. Im ready, he is procrastinating, trying to find every way possible of going in another vehicle and meeting me there. WTH??? We live at the same place, I already took off work, get your ass dressed and lets go. And to top those awful things off my septic is backed up and toilet wont flush…This is my life right now…depressing, crazy and frustrating…can we just get thru this week with a semblance of sanity left please? Im ready for some peace, some blessings, some smiles, some good times…please pray for these families suffering with these losses. Thats it, all Ive got…frustrated and sad beyond belief mixed in with worry over todays proceedings. All good thoughts, prayers and positive energy appreciated!

I have HAD it with this

Posted on by blessedncrazy

crappy shoulder/neck pain. Had it! Aint got time for doctors. Muscle relaxers help minimally. I need it gone! My life is too full to be walking around in pain all day every day, for the last two weeks!

Two court appointments today…two kids I love…need good results, so send prayers, good thoughts, whatever you got that is good our way please.

This year has been kinda rough on the stress/emotional side of things and Im really ready for a year of rest and blessings…is it time for one yet?

Funny how when youre going thru things they seem overwhelming, maddening, crazy and totally stressful but once you get thru and look back you think hmmm that wasnt as bad as it felt. Im ready for a long time period of looking back thinking hmmm that wasnt so bad after all lol.

Lets have a good day! Smile, be friendly, be a blessing to someone because when you do those things it does come back and your day is so much better.

Hows that for some early morning, coffee drinking, rambling thoughts?

Hows your week goin?

Posted on by blessedncrazy

Mines just simply fabulous…why you might ask? Well let me just fill you in on the fabulosity of my week.

First off I get a call that my internet bill is past due and Im gonna be disconnected. I call to find out wth is goin on. They then proceed to tell me that I owe 216.00 for equipment charges. Ummm no I do NOT. I turned in all my equipment related to cable when I changed providers because yall suck and got rid of Nick Jr and my baby cannot live without Bubble Guppies. Oh yes maam, you are being charged for a telephone/modem. Ummm excuse me? I havent had home phone service in years and yall exchanged that modem for a regular internet/wifi modem. Oh no maam, we have searched and searched and there is no record that its ever been turned in. Ohhhh I see so I cut off my cable with yall and you all of a sudden find this charge slapped on me that is from 2007. Hmmm makes perfect sense to me. I need a manager. Go thru the whole thing with the manager. Oh well Im sorry maam but there is no evidence, no paper trail nothing showing that the modem was ever turned in. You will have to pay this. We can give you a payment arrangement tho, it just needs to be paid in full by 12/20. OMG. Because you people are inadequate and screw up I have to pay?? WTF? So yea guess who gets to pay this bill? Nice reallly freakin nice.

Secondly, my son and a friend were in trouble back in April…its coming to a head and there is going to be a trial. Because the friend has other charges and is looking at a minimum of 3 years prison time he is trying to push all the blame for one charge off on my son. OMG He has admitted his part and now you want him to take your part too? Excuse me but what the hell is your problem? Face your own damn consequences you punk.

Thirdly, my other son thinks its cool to tell people he does drugs…pretty convincing at it I guess because I had to buy a drug test and test him to put my own mind and my sisters mind at ease. Relief that he passed the drug test, but fury that he thinks thats cool…what the hell is wrong with people? Why the hell would anyone think it was cool to get that kind of reputation? Where the hell is this kids brain??

Fourth…I have been avid Sons of Anarchy watcher/follower for years now. Last nights episode nearly kilt me off…kilt me off I tell ya. I cried so much…I mean poor Juice, finally gotta get his pay back for his betrayal and screw ups…but I cant help but feel sad for the lil guy having to endure so much pain, his poor hiney and then to die…ahhhh. Then Unser…omg I just knew he would outlive everyone and no hes dead. Then Gemma…REALLY thought Jax would kill himself in front of her and make her live with that visual for the rest of her life. But no he killed his momma. Granted she flipped out and brutally murdered his wife, lied and caused countless deaths but still shes his MOTHER.  One more show and then its all over. I am determined to never, ever, ever get so caught up in a series again. This has been 7 years of emotional roller coaster rides and just getting worse and worse and its about to kill me dead, dead I tell ya.

Fifth, a friend/coworker was taken in for questioning/interrogation for six hours…let go because the accuser was full of shit and could never tell the same story twice. No charges…no pursuit of anything. But what a nightmare these accusations have brought on. His heart is broken, Im not sure his marriage will survive…its just a terrible nightmare and I feel so bad for him and his wife.

All this has been a bit overwhelming and yet is just a day in my life lol…in need of a good laugh to lift you up out of whatever shit pile you fall into? Check out lifeandtimesofsandy.wordpress.com I promise you will laugh and you will feel much better about things. In spite of all of this Ive never had a mega turd stop up a toilet and plumbers come fix it and my kid blame it on me…thank the Lord above no huge turds have been blamed on me. See there is a bright side to everything!