What the HELL is wrong with people? Where THE hell did I go wrong?
When I ask for help its not because Im lazy or dont want to do something…its honestly because I need help and partially because maybe its something we can do together, spending a wee bit of time together.
Let me just tell you that I must of royally fucked up in the parenting department. Sometimes the selfishness and inconsideration of my kids just blows my mind. If I have done these things to my mom then I am sorry…I probably did and thats why its happening to me now. Woah the things you figure out when youre an adult…just a little too fucking late huh?
So last night I had three of my grandsons…and I loved it! Yep I was tired, yep my shoulder hurt, but I dont dare ever cancel because then I would be the bad guy…so I suck it up and do what I gotta do. I did enjoy it tho. Didnt get a lot of sleep, but thats nothing new, hopefully that will change after Christmas with some sleeping arrangement changes. This morning I got up still groggy and sleepy eyed and accidentally gave number two grandson the wrong medicine and freaked the hell out. Called pediatrician, called nurse, called poison control. Its all good…no worries, no ill effects. Whew! But I did ask my daughter to please be home around noon to help me out after hubby went to work. Got a text later letting me know her son would be going with dads girlfriend. I guess that was my help because as of now at 8 pm she still isnt home. The ONLY reason this is frustrating to me is because last night I specifically asked for help today…presents to wrap, shit ton of white trash to make…baby to bathe, shower to take…laundry piled to the ceiling (lol not quite but almost) and tomorrow is a work day. Its almost Christmas…not one present wrapped under the tree. Partially because I didnt want to have to constantly tell number 2 no touch! But hey I wanted to get some wrapping done today. So far that hasnt happened. I do have the first batch of white trash made tho so yay for that! I texted my daughter and asked what she was doing. Shes at boyfriends, got too drunk last night, dying all day, grandson number one is staying with daddy. I replied simply Thanks. I got back “Dont be mean” I didnt respond…dont be mean? Im not being mean…I thought we had a deal and you were gonna help me…Im mean when I get shafted but Im the greatest mom ever when I help you…and thats not just my daughter thats all of them. Each one will be quick to point out the others faults and say well Im not that bad or I dont do this or that like so and so does. Well ya know what my dear, sweet loves? You each have your own short comings, you each have had a turn at hurting me or letting me down. Sure in different ways, but hurt is hurt no matter how it occurs. So I think youre all pretty much equal.
I have a total of 11 grandchildren…two in heaven….five with their own families away from me and mine and four I get to see, touch and hold. I have been known to be hurt over not being able to see the other five…and it does hurt…but after today I looked at hubby and said God sure knew what he was doing…I mean is there enough xanax to have 11 children under one roof at one time? lol I joke, but in all seriousness…is there?
I tell ya my mood SUCKS right now and I really should just go to bed and hide…but I cant…I cant go get drunk and lay up and have no worries….because I have responsibilities that I HAVE to take care of…I dont have back up. I dont have built in babysitters. Those of you that have those things well it must be nice…it must be awesome to have sex with your spouse on a regular basis or a date night or even just going to the grocery store as a couple. Was this our choosing and doing? Yes yes it was…the alternative was a sweet, sweet, baby boy being raised in utter trash. So dates, sex, and sometimes sanity go on the back burner but to me and my hubby (who is amazing by the way) this lil guy is oh so worth it. And it will be okay and I will gripe and vent and bathe baby and shower and make white trash and wrap presents and go to bed and get up tomorrow and start all over again because thats just the way it is…learning daily not to count on help and not to get my feelings hurt when Im told Im mean, hurtful and favor one child over the other…Im learning…albeit a slow learner but Im learning.
blessedncrazy 